Adolesence: Whose Hell is it Anyway? [part 1 of 6]
from Psychology Today
The image of teenagers as menacing and rebellious is a big fiction that's boomeranging on kids. We've mythologized adolescence to conceal a startling fact: It is indeed a difficult and turbulent time--for parents. The trouble is, kids look like adults much sooner than ever before. Kids wind up feeling abandoned--and angry at the loss of their safety net. If we haven't got adolescence exactly figured out yet, there's some consolation in the fact that it's a brand-new phenomenon in human history.
I recently spent the weekend with a friend's 13-year-old son. In contrast to the tiny tots most of my friends have, Matthew seemed much more like an adult. The time spent with him wasn't so much like baby-sitting; it was like having company. It was impressive to see how self-sufficient he was. Simple matters struck me: he didn't need someone to go to the bathroom with him at the movies; he could help himself to ice cream; he was actually interested in following the O.J. Simpson story, and we discussed it.
He was polite, thoughtful, and interesting. While the intensive caretaking necessary for smaller children has its own rewards (I suppose), Matthew's contrasting autonomy was pleasant to me. And so I imagined it would be for parents of adolescents. But then, I am not a parent. And most parents report not feeling pleasant about their adolescents.
The weekend reminded me of how easy it is to think of these youngsters as adults. Compared to an eight-year-old, an adolescent is a lot like an adult. Can't reason like an adult, but doesn't think like a child anymore, either. Some parents are tempted to cut 'em loose rather than adjust to the new status of their teenager. Others fail to observe their adolescent's new adult-like status, and continue monitoring them as closely as a child. But it's obvious that adolescents aren't miniature adults. They are individuals on their way to adulthood; their brains and bodies--to say nothing of their sexuality--stretching uneasily toward maturity.
Yet the sight of kids reaching for some form of adult status commonly evokes contempt rather than curiosity. Negative feelings about teenagers have a strong grip on American culture in general, and on surprising numbers of parents in particular. It's not uncommon for parents to anticipate their child's adolescence with fear and trepidation--even before they've gotten out of diapers. They expect a war at home.
"It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy that adolescence is seen as this bizarre, otherworldly period of development, complete with a battleground set for World War III," says Tina Wagers, Psy. D., a psychologist who treats teens and their families at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Denver.
We were all once 13, but it seems we can no longer imagine what kind of parenting a 13-year-old needs. Perhaps it's gotten worse with all the outside opportunities for trouble kids have--gangs, guns, drugs. Families used to extend their turf into their children's schools, friends, and athletic activities. But kids now inhabit unknown territory, and it is scary for parents. "I think this fear and lack of understanding makes some parents more likely to back off and neglect teenagers," reports Wagers. "There is an expectation that you can't influence them anyhow."
This skeptical, sometimes hostile view of teens, however, was countered by my experience with Matthew. I found him hardly a "teenager from hell." Like most teens, Matthew prefers to be with his own friends more than with family or other grown-ups. He's not good with time, and music, basketball, and girls are more central to him than achievement, responsibility, and family. (Despite his tastes, he does very well in school.) At home there is more conflict than there has been in the past, though not less love and commitment to his mom, with whom he lives in eastern Washington.
The story of Matthew falls in line with new research on adolescents, and it's causing psychologists to totally revise conventional wisdom on the subject. According to psychologist Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., of Temple University, the majority of adolescents are not contentious, unpleasant, heartless creatures. They do not hate their parents---although they do fight with them (but not as much as you might think). "In scrutinizing interviews with adolescents and their families, I reaffirmed that adolescence is a relatively peaceful time in the house." Kids report continued high levels of respect for their parents, whether single, divorced, or together, and regardless of economic background.
When fighting does occur, it's in families with younger teenagers, and it has to do at least in part with their burgeoning cognitive abilities. Newly able to grasp abstract ideas, they can become absorbed in pursuing hypocrisy or questioning authority. In time, they learn to deploy relativistic and critical thinking more selectively.
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Six Characteristics of Asperger's Syndrome
1. Difficulty with Reciprocal Social Interactions
Those with Asperger's syndrome display varying difficulties when interacting with others. Some children and adolescents have no desire to interact, while others simply do not know how. More specifically, they do not comprehend the give-and-take nature of social interactions. They may want to lecture you about the Titanic or they may leave the room in the midst of playing with another child. They do not comprehend the verbal and nonverbal cues used to further our understanding in typical social interactions. These include eye contact, facial expressions, body language, conversational turn-taking, perspective taking, and matching conversational and nonverbal responses to the interaction.
2. Impairments in Language Skills
Those with Asperger's syndrome have very specific problems with language, especially with pragmatic use of language, which is the social aspect. That is, they see language as a way to share facts and information (especially about special interests), not as a way to share thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The child will display difficulty in many areas of a conversation processing verbal information, initiation, maintenance, ending, topic appropriateness, sustaining attention, and turn taking. The child's prosody (pitch, stress, rhythm, or melody of speech) can also be impaired. Conversations may often appear scripted or ritualistic. That is, it may be dialogue from a TV show or a movie. They may also have difficulty problem solving, analyzing or synthesizing information, and understanding language beyond the literal
level.
3. Narrow Range of Interests and Insistence on Set Routines
Due to the an Asperger child's anxiety, his interactions will be ruled by rigidity, obsessions, and perseverations (repetitious behaviors or language) transitions and changes can cause. Generally, he will have few interests, but those interests will often dominate. The need for structure and routine will be most important. He may develop his own rules to live by that barely coincide with the rest of society.
4. Motor Clumsiness
Many individuals with Asperger's syndrome have difficulty with both gross and fine motor skills. The difficulty is often not just the task itself, but the motor planning involved in completing the task. Typical difficulties include handwriting, riding a bike, and ball skills.
5. Cognitive Issues
Mindblindness, or the inability to make inferences about what another person is thinking, is a core disability for those with Asperger's syndrome. Because of this, they have difficulty empathizing with others, and will often say what they think without considering another's feelings. The child will often assume that everyone is thinking the same thing he is. For him, the world exists not in shades of gray, but only in black and white. This rigidity in thought (lack of cognitive flexibility) interferes with problem solving, mental planning, impulse control, flexibility in thoughts and actions, and the ability to stay focused on a task until completion. The rigidity also makes it difficult for an Asperger child to engage in imaginative play. His interest in play materials, themes, and choices will be narrow, and he will attempt to control the play
situation.
6. Sensory Sensitivities
Many Asperger children have sensory issues. These can occur in one or all of the senses (sight, sound, smell, touch, or taste). The degree of difficulty varies from one individual to another. Most frequently, the child will perceive ordinary sensations as quite intense or may even be underreactive to a sensation. Often, the challenge in this area will be to determine if the child's response to a sensation is actually a sensory reaction or if it is a learned behavior, driven mainly by rigidity and anxiety.
From Parenting Your Asperger Child by Alan Sohn, Ed.D., and Cathy Grayson, M.A. Copyright © 2005. Used by arrangement with Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
If you'd like to buy this book, click here or on the book cover. Get a 15% discount with the coupon code FEPARENT.
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Honoring Coach Linda Scott
The California Interscholastic Federation San Francisco Section honored Linda Scott at halftime of its annual “Turkey Day” championship on November 24 at Kezar Stadiium. Linda has taught at Balboa and Lincoln High School, and coached in San Francisco Unified School District middle school and high schools for 33 years.
Linda attended San Francisco State University, graduating in 1968. She competed in badminton, basketball, field hockey, softball, tennis, track and volleyball while in college. After college, Linda continued to compete at a high level in national and international field hockey competitions.
Linda began her teaching career in 1969 at Ben Franklin Middle School. She moved to Wilson High School where she taught from 1981-1994. Linda concluded her teaching career by teaching at both Balboa and Lincoln. She coached frosh/soph basketball and tennis while at Lincoln.
Linda coached basketball, softball, and volleyball at Ben Franklin from 1969-1981. She coached basketball at Wilson, winning three championships. She also won a championship in softball while coaching at Wilson.
Linda not only coached – she coached with grace and dignity. She won two Lloyd Leith Sportsmanship Awards, bestowed upon the most sportsmanlike coach by the Northern California Basketball Officials’ Association.
The CIF San Francisco Section is pleased to honor Linda Scott.
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