You are a parent. You have lived through 2 AM feedings, toddler temper tantrums, and the but-I-don't-want-to-go-to-school-today blues. So why is it the word "adolescence" can strike terror into your heart?
"As a society, I think we see puberty and adolescence as a dark, menacing, medieval period in our child's life," says Mary Soha, MD, a pediatrician in Jacksonville, Florida. "It doesn't have to be that way. Puberty can be a beautiful, creative, wonderful time for kids and parents, if handled properly." Read on for some ideas for getting through it.
Puberty and Adolescence
First, let's make a (somewhat artificial) distinction between puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the development of adult sexual characteristics: breasts, menstrual periods, pubic hair, facial hair. These are certainly the most visible signs of impending adulthood, but children between the ages of 10 and 14 (or even younger) can also be going through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the outside. These are the changes of adolescence. Kids this age are becoming more aware of how others, especially their peers, see them. They are beginning to separate from Mom and Dad, beginning to become more independent.
Adolescents start to think more abstractly and rationally. They are forming their moral code. "We tend to talk about all the negatives of adolescence, but the positive things that are happening are incredible. The brain and emotional growth are astounding. This is where the parent has to be involved, on the more positive side," Dr. Soha says.
When Does Adolescence Begin?
What a bunch of individualists adolescents are! There are early bloomers, late arrivals, speedy developers, slow-but-steady growers. The message to send your kid is: everybody's different. There is a wide range of normal.
By age 10, or even earlier, some kids begin to show behavioral changes that sometimes mark the beginning of adolescence. Many announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their parents. One mother remembers it like this: "Shira would always come home from school and sit around with me for a while, drinking milk and talking about the day. Then one afternoon, when she was about 11, I think . . . wham! She walked in the house and went right to her room and closed the door. I knew that was it."
Shira says she was looking for some private time and avoiding conflict with her mom. "I knew if I went right into my room, the fight that would have been, wouldn't be."
What About Kids, Parents, and Conflict?
One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild teen continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although that extreme may be the case for some kids and this is a time of emotional ups and downs, adolescence may not be entirely to blame.
Are you a controlling parent? Do you listen to your child? Do you allow your child's opinions and tastes to differ from yours? You may find that a child who has been willing to conform to please you up until adolescence, will suddenly assert herself strongly and rebel against your control. Look closely at how much room you give your child to be an individual.
Tips for Parenting During Adolescence
Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here are some tips:
Educate Yourself
Read books about adolescence. Think back on your own. Remember your struggles with acne or your embarrassment at developing early - or late. Expect some mood changes in your typically sunny child, and be prepared for more conflict as she finds her way as an individual. Parents who know what's coming can cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can prepare your child.
Talk to Your Child Early Enough
Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already started means you are too late. Answer the early questions your child has about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from. Don't overload your child with information - just answer their questions.
You know your child. You can hear when your child's starting to tell jokes about sex, or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions: "Are you noticing any changes in your body? Are you having any strange feelings? Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?" A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A doctor can tell your preadolescent child and you what to expect in the next few years. The exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good parent/child discussion. The later you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your child will be to form misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical and emotional changes.
Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication on these subjects, the better chance you have of keeping them open throughout the teen years. Give your child books on puberty written for kids going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence with your child. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put your child more at ease.
Put Yourself in Your Child's Place
Practice empathy with your growing child. Help your child understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious. Tell your child it's OK to feel grown up 1 minute and like a little child the next. "Use helpful phrases like 'Yes, this is a difficult time' and 'I know you might feel confused' and 'It's all right, and we'll all get through it,' " says Deena Richman, a clinical psychologist.
