Adolesence: Whose Hell is it Anyway? [part 5 of 6]
from Psychology Today
SILENCED SEX
Who can talk about teens without talking about sex? the topic of teenage sexuality, however, heightens parents' sense of powerlessness. Adults hesitate to acknowledge their own sexual experience in addressing the issue. They resolve the matter by pretending sex doesn't exist.
Sexuality was conspicuous by its absence in all the family interviews Steinberg, Montemayor, or Larson observed. Calling sex a hidden issue in adolescence verges on an oxymoron. Sprouting pubic hair and expanding busts aren't particularly subtle phenomena. But adolescent sexuality is only heightened by the silence.
A postpubescent child introduces a third sexually mature person into the household, where once sex was a strictly private domain restricted to the older generation. It's difficult for everyone to get used to.
No matter how you slice it, sex can be an awkward topic. For parents, there's not only the feeling of powerlessness, there's discomfort. Most parents of adolescents aren't experiencing much sexual activity--neither the mechanics of sex nor its poetry--in this stage of the marriage (though this eventually improves).
The fact that fathers' marital satisfaction decreases when their kids start to date suggests the power of kids, sexuality, no matter how silenced, to distort parental behavior. Sex and marital therapist David Schnarch, Ph.D., points out that families, and the mythology of the culture, worship teen sexuality, mistakenly believing adolescence is the peak of human sexuality. Boys have more hard-ons than their dads, while the girls have less cellulite than their moms.
These kids may have the biological equipment, says Schnarch, but they don't yet know how to make love. Sex isn't just about orgasms, it is about intimacy. "All of our sex education is designed to raise kids to be healthy, normal adults. But we are confused about what we believe is sexually normal. Textbooks say that boys reach their sexual peak in late adolescence; girls, five to 10 years later. The adolescent believes it, parents believe it, schools believe it. In the hierarchy dictated by this narrow biological model of sexuality, the person with the best sex is the adolescent. On the one hand we are telling kids, 'we would like you to delay sexual involvement.' But when we teach a biological model of sexuality, we imply to the kids 'we know you can't delay. We think these are the best years of your life.'"
Parents can help their children by letting them know that they understand sex and have valuable experience about decisions related to sex; that they know it isn't just a mechanical act; that they recognize that teens are going to figure things out on their own with or without guidance from their parents; and that they are willing to talk about it. But often, the experience or meaning of sex gets lost.
I asked a woman whose parents had handed her birth control pills at age 15 how she felt about it now, at age 30. "I wish sex had been a little more taboo than it was. I got into a lot more sexual acting out before I was 20, and that didn't go very well for me. Even though my parents talked about the health consequences of sex, they did not mention other consequences. Like what it does to your self-esteem when you get involved in a series of one-night stands. So I guess I wish they had been more holistic in their approach to sex. Not just to tell me about the pill when I was 15, but to understand the different issues I was struggling with. In every other aspect of my life, they were my best resource. But it turns out sex is a lot more complicated than I thought it was when I was 15. At 30, sex is a lot better than it was when I was a teenager."
The distortions parents create about teen sexuality lead directly to events like the "Spur Posse," the gang of teenage football stars in Southern California who systematically harassed and raped girls, terrorizing the community in the late 80s. The boys' fathers actually appeared on talk shows--to brag about their sons' conquests. "The fathers were reinforcing the boys' behavior. It was as if it were a reflection on their own sexuality," observes Schnarch.
By closing their eyes to teen sexual behavior, parents don't just disengage from their kids. They leave them high and dry about understanding anything more than the cold mechanics of sex. Kids raised this way report feeling very alone when it gets down to making intimate decisions for the first time. They feel like they haven't been given any help in what turns out to be the bigger part of sex--the relationship part of it.
Returning to the authoritarian, insular family of Ward, June, Wally, and the Beaver is not the solution for teenagers any more than it is for their parents. But teenagers do need parents and other responsible adults actively involved in their lives, just as younger children do. Only when it comes to teenagers, the grown-ups have to tolerate a lot more ambiguity--about authority, safety, responsibility, and closeness--to sustain the connection. If they can learn to do that, a lot of young people will be able to avoid a whole lot of trouble.
Internet Safety
The Internet can be a wonderful resource for kids. They can use it to research school reports, communicate with teachers and other kids, and play interactive games. Any child who is old enough to punch in a few letters on the keyboard can literally access the world.
But that access can also pose hazards to your children. For example, your 8- year-old might log on to a search engine and type in the word "Lego." But with just one missed keystroke, he or she might enter the word "Legs" instead, and be directed to thousands of websites with a focus on legs - some of which may contain pornographic material.
That's why it's important to be aware of what your children see and hear on the Internet, who they meet, and what they share about themselves online.
Just like any safety issue, it's a good idea to talk with your kids about your concerns, take advantage of resources to protect them from potential dangers, and keep a close eye on their activities.
Internet Safety Laws
A federal law has been created to help protect your kids while they are using the Internet. It is designed to keep anyone from obtaining your kids' personal information without you knowing about it and agreeing to it first.
The Children's Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) requires websites to explain their privacy policies on the site and get parents' consent before collecting or using a child's personal information, such as a name, address, phone number, or social security number. The law also prohibits a site from requiring a child to provide more personal information than necessary to play a game or contest.
But even with this law, your child's best online protection is you. By talking to your child about potential online dangers and monitoring his or her computer use, you'll be helping your child to surf the Internet safely.
Online Tools to Protect Your Child
There are online tools that you can use to control your child's access to adult material and help protect your child from Internet predators. No option is going to guarantee that your child will be kept away from 100% of the risks on the Internet. So it's important that you be aware of your child's computer activity and educate your child about the online risks.
Many Internet service providers (ISPs) provide parent-control options to block certain material from coming in to your child's computer. There is also software that can help block your child's access to certain sites based on a "bad site" list that your ISP creates. Filtering programs can block sites from coming in and restrict your child's personal information from being sent online. You can also find programs to monitor and track your child's online activity. Also, it's a good idea to create a screen name for your child to protect his or her real identity.
Getting Involved in Your Child's Online Activities
Aside from these tools, it's a good idea to take an active role in protecting your child from Internet predators and sexually explicit materials that are online. Here are some steps that can help you do that:
1. Become computer literate and learn how to block objectionable material.
2. Keep the computer in a common area, not in individual bedrooms, where you can watch and monitor your child.
3. Share an email account with your child so you can monitor messages.
4. Bookmark your child's favorite sites for easy access.
5. Spend time online together to teach your child appropriate online behavior.
6. Forbid your child from entering private chat rooms; block them with safety features provided by your Internet service provider or with special filtering software. Be aware that posting messages to chat rooms reveals your child's email address to others.
7. Monitor your credit card and phone bills for unfamiliar account charges.
8. Find out what, if any, online protection is offered by your child's school, after-school center, friends' homes, or any place where he or she could use a computer without your supervision.
9. Take your child seriously if he or she reports an uncomfortable online exchange.
10. Forward copies of obscene or threatening messages you or your child receives to your Internet service provider.
11. Call the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children at (800) 843- 5678 if you are aware of the transmission, use, or viewing of child pornography online. Contact your local law enforcement agency or the FBI if your child has received child pornography via the Internet.
Many sites use "cookies," devices that track specific information about the user, such as name, email address, and shopping preferences. Cookies can be disabled. Ask your Internet service provider for more information.
It's also a good idea to set up some simple rules for your kids to follow while they're using the Internet. These rules may include:
1. Follow the rules you set, as well as those set by your Internet service provider.
2. Never trade personal photographs in the mail or scanned photographs over the Internet.
3. Never reveal personal information, such as address, phone number, or school name or location. Use only a screen name. Never agree to meet anyone from a chat room in person.
4. Never respond to a threatening email or message.
5. Always tell a parent about any communication or conversation that was scary.
6. If your child has a new "friend," insist on being "introduced" online to that friend.
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Celebrate the Year of the Dog
Join Supervisor Fiona Ma, Supervisor Ross Mirkarimi and Friends of the San Francisco Public Library to celebrate the Year of the Dog. This fun benefit event for the Sunset Library Capital Campaign will include music from Alice and the Wave, singers Hyde Zham, Eva Lu and Sandy Guo, and also feature refreshments, karaoke, dance performers, raffles and a fortune teller! Tickets are $15.00 in advance and $20.00 at the door. Contact: Christine Leishman at Christine.Leishman@friendssfpl.org or 626-7512 x101, Faye Woo Lee at 661-7352, or Teresa Lai at 990-1091.
When: January 15, 6:00 – 10:30 pm
Where: Sunset Recreation Center (2201 Lawton Street @ 28th Ave)
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