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January 3, 2006School Health Programs Department
Adolesence: Whose Hell is it Anyway? [part 4 of 6]
from Psychology Today

ALONE AND ANGRY

Whatever the source, parental distancing doesn't make for happy kids. "The kids I work with at Ohio State are remarkably independent, yet they are resentful of it," says Montemayor. "There is a sense of not being connected somehow." Kids are angry about being left to themselves, being given independence without the kind of mentoring from their parents to learn how to use their independence.

Adult contact seems to be on teenagers' minds more than ever before. Sociologist Dale Blythe, Ph.D., is an adolescence researcher who directs Minneapolis' noted Search Institute, which specializes in studies of youth policy issues. He has surveyed teens in 30 communities across the country, and found that when you ask teens, they say that family is not the most important thing in their lives--peers and social activities are. Nevertheless a large proportion of them say that they want more time with adults--they want their attention and leadership. They want more respect from adults and more cues on how to make it in the adult world. What a shift from 25 years ago, when the watchword was "never trust anyone over 30"!

So it's up to parents to seek more contact with their kids--despite the conflict they'll encounter. "The role of parents is to socialize children, to help them become responsible adults, to teach them to do the right thing. Conflict is an inexitable part of it," says Montemayor. He notes that one of the biggest sources of conflict between parents and teens is time management. Teens have trouble committing to plans in advance. They want to keep their options wide open all the time. The only sure-fire way to reduce conflict is to withdraw from teenagers--an equally surefire way to harm them.

"In other countries parents don't shy away from conflict. In the United States we have this idea that things are going to be hunky-dory and that we are going to go bowling and have fun together. Most people in the world would find that a pretty fanciful idea. There is an inevitable tension between parents and adolescents, and there's nothing wrong with that."

Tips for Divorcing Parents
Here are suggestions to make the process less painful for your children. Parents will need to interpret them in their own ways; honesty, sensitivity, self-control, and time itself will help to begin the healing process. Be patient. Not everyone's timetable is your own - and single parents especially can only do what they can do day by day.

1. Encourage your kids to talk as openly as they can about their feelings - positive or negative - about what has happened to them. Make that an ongoing process.

"Try to sit down with your children when you feel relatively calm, and encourage them as much as possible to say what they think and feel," says Lucille Mansfield, PhD, a psychologist. "Let this be an ongoing process. As kids develop, their questions change; they may have questions that didn't occur to them earlier." Keep the dialogue open, she adds, "even when you feel 'we went over that before.' If you get too upset, find someone else who can talk to them about it. Sometimes other relatives are a good resource."

It's natural for children to have many emotions about a divorce. They may feel guilty and imagine that they "caused" the problem. This is particularly true if they heard their parents argue about them at one time. Children may feel angry or frightened. They may be worried that they will be abandoned by or "divorced from" from their parents.

Some children will be able to voice their feelings, but depending on their age and development, others won't have the words. They may instead "act out" in angry ways or be depressed. For a school age child, this may become evident in dropping grades or lack of interest in activities. For the younger child, feelings often are expressed in play, as well.

It may be tempting to tell a child not to feel a certain way, but avoid that temptation. Children (and adults, for that matter) have a right to their feelings. If it seems that you are trying to force a "happy face," they may be less likely to share their feelings with you.

2. Don't bad-mouth your ex-spouse in front of your kids, even if you are still angry or feuding.

This is one of the hardest things to do, but "it's important that the parent tries hard not to bad-mouth the other by making nasty cracks or making the child feel that the other parent is to blame," Mansfield says.

"This makes the children feel even more caught in the middle," adds Miriam Galper Cohen, a licensed family therapist. "Kids may think, 'If Daddy or Mommy's that bad, then they're a part of me, so I must be bad.' This is not about truth telling," she adds. "The child must discover the truth for themselves."

3. Try not to use your kids as a messenger or go-between, especially when you're feuding.

A child doesn't need to feel that he or she must act as a messenger between hostile parents or carry one adult's secrets or accusations about another. Keep your adult life as private and discreet as possible; wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about matters relevant to the children, such as scheduling, visitation, health habits, or school problems.

4. Expect resistance and difficulties in helping the children adjust to a new mate or the mate's children.

New relationships, blended families, and remarriages are among the most difficult aspects of the divorce process. "If we're talking to kids, they may have a very difficult time with a new partner," says Galper Cohen. "Kids get into all kinds of territorial issues with other kids; step parenting and remarriage are a very difficult life transition and require a tremendous amount of patience, time, humor, and talking. It takes a long time; it's not going to be instant love and affection."

College choices: a deeper look
By Stacy A. Teicher | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor

The search for college should be about "the right fit," experts say. For some, that might simply be a matter of where the price is right, or which campus environment feels comfortable. But there's always that central question: How much are the students learning?

For families in the throes of college applications or planning ahead for next year's campus visits, here are four tips from experts for looking beyond popular college rankings in the search for a good education.

Tip No. 1: Build your own college ranking system.

Debra Stuart has 30-plus years of experience at universities, and she has a long title to prove it: vice chancellor for administration with the Oklahoma State Regents for Higher Education. So she was a well-informed parent when it came time for her and her husband to help their daughter look at colleges a few years ago.

First they thought about the size of school their daughter wanted, the majors that most interested her, and the places she'd like to live.

Then they mined various guidebooks for basic information - like whether a school or a particular program was accredited. They also took a look at the ubiquitous US News & World Report's annual college issue. But because rankings are subjective, the family picked them apart and decided which factors they wanted to weight more heavily.

" 'Good,' in our mind, was that they had good graduation rates [and] a good student-faculty ratio," Ms. Stuart says, "because these were things that we knew [would help] our daughter and her learning style."

They visited campuses - armed with their own rankings and a quiver of questions.

Tip No. 2: Focus on the first year. Find out how a college determines what classes freshmen should take. "Students come with all sorts of abilities, and part of what makes or breaks a student is their experience in their first year," Stuart says. "Do they have a placement test for math ... and how successful is that?"

Some colleges have semester- or year-long seminars that group freshmen together to help them adjust to campus life. Others work to make sure students have enough contact with faculty so that they don't feel like a number. The Policy Center on the First Year of College offers information about the most effective initiatives.

Tip No. 3: Gauge the engagement.

"Research shows that if students engage in certain activities, they're likely to learn more than if they don't," says Trudy Banta, vice chancellor for planning and institutional improvement at Indiana University-Purdue University in Indianapolis. The long list includes: "things like participating in faculty research; study abroad;... service learning; contact with faculty outside the classroom - [especially] talking about intellectual matters; group work with peers; and how much they study."

It's easier to find this data if the school participates in the National Survey of Student Engagement (NSSE). More than 900 colleges have done so over the past six years, but it's up to the schools to decide if they want to release their results. Ms. Banta believes most schools would make results available if prospective students requested it. You can then compare their data with benchmarks on the NSSE website.

Even without NSSE results to pore over, you can ask similar questions: How much help is there for people with weak skills in certain subjects? What kind of living- learning centers are on campus - a language-immersion house? A dorm centered on women in the sciences? What are the results of student- and alumni-satisfaction surveys?

The admissions office is a good first stop for such questions. But for more details on quality issues, one underutilized resource is a school's institutional research office.

Tip No. 4: Probe preferred majors.

Some majors are reviewed by outside accrediting boards, so that's a good place to look for ratings, Stuart suggests. And you can ask for pass rates on external exams - whether it's LSATs for potential law students or licensing tests for accountants.

Prospective students and their parents should also ask about other forms of "outcomes assessment," Banta says. More schools are starting to help professors and departments define learning goals and measure students' achievements in classes over time. This scrutiny may reveal that students aren't getting enough chances to practice a key skill, such as public speaking, and then the curriculum can be adjusted accordingly.

Another good question to ask is whether students will have a "capstone" experience in the major, and whether they've published student papers, written either on their own or with faculty.

After Stuart's daughter looked far and wide for a school with a good film and video major, she ended up choosing the University of Oklahoma in her own backyard - to everyone's surprise. When she put aside her preconceptions and went on campus, she liked the diversity of students and activities, her mother says. Now she's a junior, and film and video have taken a back seat to her interest in advertising.

Do as much research as you can, Stuart says, but when it's time to make a choice, "it comes down to a feeling."

Wellness Center
Jennifer Kenny-Baum (Wellness Coordinator) is available daily.

Monica Murphy (Nurse) is available daily.

Ian Enriquez (Youth Outreach Coordinator) is available daily.

Sheening Lin (psychologist) is available daily.

Ulash Thakore (Academic Counselor) is available Monday thru Wednesday.

German Cheung (Counselor) is available on Mondays.

Sonia Sztejnklaper (Russian Speaking Counselor) is available on Mondays.

Suong Vo (Vietnamese Speaking Counselor) is available on Mondays.

Kory Okun (Relationship Counselor) is available Tuesdays.

Wayne Hayes (Counselor) is available on Wednesdays.

James Guay (Therapist) is available on Wednesdays.

Pauline Ong (Cantonese Speaking Counselor) is available on Wednesdays.

Ali Abolfazli (Counselor) is available Thursdays.

Megan Agee (Community Safety Organizer) is available on Thursdays.

Vicky Fashho (Arabic Speaking Counselor) is available on Fridays

Types of Bullying
Although the black eye is a concrete sign that your child may be a victim of bullying, there are many different ways kids bully that aren't always as easy to spot:

1. Cyber bullying - a relatively new phenomenon - began surfacing as modern communication technologies advanced. Through email, instant messaging, Internet chat rooms, and electronic gadgets like camera cell phones, cyber bullies forward and spread hurtful images and/or messages. Bullies use this technology to harass victims at all hours, in wide circles, at warp speed.

2. Emotional bullying can be more subtle and can involve isolating or excluding a child from activities (i.e., shunning the victim in the lunchroom or on school outings) or spreading rumors. This kind of bullying is especially common among girls.

3. Physical bullying can accompany verbal bullying and involves things like kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, hair pulling, or threats of physical harm.

4. Racist bullying preys on children through racial slurs, offensive gestures, or making jokes about a child's cultural traditions.

5. Sexual bullying involves unwanted physical contact or sexually abusive or inappropriate comments.

6. Verbal bullying usually involves name-calling, incessant mocking, and laughing at a child's expense.

If your child is a victim of bullying, you can help reduce intimidation and fear by listening and offering to help. If your child is the bully, you'll need to emphasize that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, as well as discuss why he or she might be doing it and how to stop it.

  

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